Life had been very fast since a year ago. And I was just amazed how things can be totally changed in just a year - the environment, relationships, perspectives, goals, and faith that I believe in and hold on to. A year back, the way things are now were really unimaginable, very far-fetched.
At first, changes are really overwhelming. It gives the adrenaline rush of going through the unknown and the euphoria of exploring and experiencing new things. But when all the dust settled and everything go through as mere routines, the wonders and excitement fade. Everything, from being bright once turns dull and gray. Days go on, and I find myself barely trying to make it through each day. Now, I am weary - physically burned out, mentally exhausted, emotionally drained and spiritually dried up.
At first, I was trying to delude myself. I said I am happy - I am here with Dan in SG and I am consistent with reading the Bible, praying and attending Sunday worship and fellowships. I am strong - I know that although work is mentally exhausting (not to mention, not so financially rewarding) but at least, I get to enjoy learning more techie stuffs. I know I can get through it until my contract expires.
But just as the sun cannot be forever concealed under the dark clouds, so is the wearing sadness within. Now, I am just tired, plain tired of deceiving myself that everything is okay, but it is not.
All these days, I have been relying on my strength, guiding myself with my own wisdom. I have been so dependent on Dan for emotional support and comfort. Yet, I feel so lost and miserable.
Then, last Sunday, I found myself pondering on a quote mentioned by Pastor Edmund Fong during 'Just For Newcomers' talk at ARPC.
"Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee." - Augustine
Yes, my heart is restless and troubled. And all along I have been turning to temporal happiness to soothe it, to divert my attention away. But these do not solve the problem, they just hide it. My heart is still governed by all its anxieties.
Albeit the Spirit whispers to turn myself to our Father, He Who gives rest to those who are tired and weary (Matthew 11:28), I just cannot. I feel so undeserving, so ashamed by my brokenness. Right now, I am still groping, trying to pick myself up. But now I know Whose hands I need to reach to, to Whom I need to put my trust and confidence to. I believe, He will not forsake me.
And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
- Isaiah 58:11
