Broken

Today, I gave myself a rest. Rest from work, rest from any relationships, rest from all the hurlyburlies of the world. I just want to stay, lock myself up in my room and in solitude, rethink, what's going on.

Life had been very fast since a year ago. And I was just amazed how things can be totally changed in just a year - the environment, relationships, perspectives, goals, and faith that I believe in and hold on to. A year back, the way things are now were really unimaginable, very far-fetched.

At first, changes are really overwhelming. It gives the adrenaline rush of going through the unknown and the euphoria of exploring and experiencing new things. But when all the dust settled and everything go through as mere routines, the wonders and excitement fade. Everything, from being bright once turns dull and gray. Days go on, and I find myself barely trying to make it through each day. Now, I am weary - physically burned out, mentally exhausted, emotionally drained and spiritually dried up.

At first, I was trying to delude myself. I said I am happy - I am here with Dan in SG and I am consistent with reading the Bible, praying and attending Sunday worship and fellowships. I am strong - I know that although work is mentally exhausting (not to mention, not so financially rewarding) but at least, I get to enjoy learning more techie stuffs. I know I can get through it until my contract expires.

But just as the sun cannot be forever concealed under the dark clouds, so is the wearing sadness within. Now, I am just tired, plain tired of deceiving myself that everything is okay, but it is not.

All these days, I have been relying on my strength, guiding myself with my own wisdom. I have been so dependent on Dan for emotional support and comfort. Yet, I feel so lost and miserable.

Then, last Sunday, I found myself pondering on a quote mentioned by Pastor Edmund Fong during 'Just For Newcomers' talk at ARPC.

"Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee." - Augustine

Yes, my heart is restless and troubled. And all along I have been turning to temporal happiness to soothe it, to divert my attention away. But these do not solve the problem, they just hide it. My heart is still governed by all its anxieties.

Albeit the Spirit whispers to turn myself to our Father, He Who gives rest to those who are tired and weary (Matthew 11:28), I just cannot. I feel so undeserving, so ashamed by my brokenness. Right now, I am still groping, trying to pick myself up. But now I know Whose hands I need to reach to, to Whom I need to put my trust and confidence to. I believe, He will not forsake me.

And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
- Isaiah 58:11

Waiting for His Coming

Three more days and I can't hardly wait. It's been weeks, months since I've anticipated, patiently waited for this. Because finally, this Thursday, I'll be able to see Dan's face once again. And not just for a few days, but for many days to come.Ü

By God's grace, he was able to get a job here in Singapore. I was really happy the moment I knew about it. The idea of us exploring every corner of Singapore, sharing meals, and doing things together delighted my mind and excited my heart. I was busy preparing since then (we've only got 2 weeks!) - looking for his room, thinking of things he needed to buy there, and I here, etc.

And now three more days on my countdown - preparations have been done, a room has been found, plans have been sorted out. Everything seems set and ready.

But now, as I reflect on all the things I've done for Dan these past few days, there's one thing that the Holy Spirit asked and whispered to me - "What are you doing for your Savior's coming?" "Are you prepared?"

I was really struck by the realization of this. And I was reminded, that my whole life is a story of waiting, anticipating and preparing for His coming.

Jesus told us in Mark 13:33 to be alert and be ready for we don't know when the time will come. If that time is now and If I see Christ's face today, I couldn't look at His countenance. If He ask what I've done for Him, I do not what t say.

I'm deeply ashamed right now. My soul grieves with this realization. I humbly ask forgiveness for my attitude and for my not being a true servant.

Yet my whole being is thankful to the Holy Spirit for always..always reminding me that I should lead my life in full anticipation and expectation of Jesus Christ's coming. I really don't know exactly how right now. And I pray, that may the Holy Spirit will lead me, guide me, show me how. Amen.