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It was almost 2 months ago when I was diagnosed to have an ASD (atrial septal defect). I can still vividly recall what happened that day...an ordinary annual check-up turned into a nightmare. I can still remember how I lie down chilling, my body uncontrollably shivering, while the Filipina radiologist performed an ultrasound on my heart.
She said, "Nalulungkot naman ako para sa'yo..."
I asked, "Mamatay na ba ako?"
She said, "Ano ka ba! May sagot naman diyan..."
A TEE (transesophageal echocardiogram) confirmed the ultrasound results. Everything was a shock. All these days, I thought I am pretty much normal...I played the chinese garter (10-20) tirelessly in grade school. I trained for the basketball team in high school. I swim. I play tennis. I join marathons. I go for badminton. I ride roller coasters. Not a sign. So how could it be? How did I not know? That for 27 years, I have this hole, an almost 2-inches rupture in my heart?
It took me days to sink it all in (ganun yata talaga ako..). But thank God for Dan, for being clear-headed, and for arranging immediately what needs to be done first - search for a good doctor and hospital, get all the test results from Raffles Hospital, help me look at my finances, and send email to family and friends for (emotional and spiritual support).
At first, I was asking a lot of questions, and a bit worried...why we just found it now? Is it too late? Will I be going for heart surgery? Can we find good doctors and hospital? Where are we going to do the procedure? in the Philippines or Singapore? Will my savings be able to pay for it? Will my insurance cover for it? Endless questions....
Then, I remembered the song that Dan and I sang that night, before I underwent the TEE. A part of that Matt Redman song goes like this....
"I will offer up my life in spirit and truth.
Pouring out the oil of love as my worship to You.
In surrender I must give my every part;
Lord, receive the sacrifice of a broken heart.
Chorus:
Jesus, what can I give, what I can bring
To so faithful a Friend, to so loving a King?
Savior, what can be said, what can be sung?
As a praise of Your name for the things You have done.
Oh my words couldn't tell, not even in part
of the debt of love that is owned by this thankful heart."
My heart is broken, but I forgot to be thankful. I had forgotten how the Lord sustained me for 27 years without pain and discomfort. I had forgotten to thank Him, that this ASD of mine can be left undetected. I failed to understand His perfect timing, that we found out about this now that I am in working in Singapore, and not much of a burden to my family. I failed to be grateful, that I was diagnosed in a time when the catheter procedure is available and still doable while I'm young and healthy.
What did I give and bring to our faithful and loving King? Ungratefulness! Oh, shame upon me! Now that we are studying Deuteronomy, I realized that I am no different from the Jews, who grumbled at the Lord. I forgot to trust and obey Him.....May the Lord forgives this ungrateful heart.
After all these reflections, I've finally stopped worrying. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I try to look through God's lenses why all these are happening in my life. And to be always grateful, because everything works with His purpose, and for His glory.Now I know what it means when the radiologist said there is a solution. Yes there is... and I believe God has it.
