A Broken and Unthankful Heart

<<The next few entries are intended to serve as a memoir of a period of my life, when I was reminded by the Lord how fragile a man is, and only by His grace and mercy, that I could have a hope of a renewed heart...and a renewed life. May all these help me to remember the goodness and lovingkindness of our Lord, all the days of my life.>>

It was almost 2 months ago when I was diagnosed to have an ASD (atrial septal defect). I can still vividly recall what happened that day...an ordinary annual check-up turned into a nightmare. I can still remember how I lie down chilling, my body uncontrollably shivering, while the Filipina radiologist performed an ultrasound on my heart.

She said, "Nalulungkot naman ako para sa'yo..."
I asked, "Mamatay na ba ako?"
She said, "Ano ka ba! May sagot naman diyan..."

A TEE (transesophageal echocardiogram) confirmed the ultrasound results. Everything was a shock. All these days, I thought I am pretty much normal...I played the chinese garter (10-20) tirelessly in grade school. I trained for the basketball team in high school. I swim. I play tennis. I join marathons. I go for badminton. I ride roller coasters. Not a sign. So how could it be? How did I not know? That for 27 years, I have this hole, an almost 2-inches rupture in my heart?

It took me days to sink it all in (ganun yata talaga ako..). But thank God for Dan, for being clear-headed, and for arranging immediately what needs to be done first - search for a good doctor and hospital, get all the test results from Raffles Hospital, help me look at my finances, and send email to family and friends for (emotional and spiritual support).

At first, I was asking a lot of questions, and a bit worried...why we just found it now? Is it too late? Will I be going for heart surgery? Can we find good doctors and hospital? Where are we going to do the procedure? in the Philippines or Singapore? Will my savings be able to pay for it? Will my insurance cover for it? Endless questions....

Then, I remembered the song that Dan and I sang that night, before I underwent the TEE. A part of that Matt Redman song goes like this....


"I will offer up my life in spirit and truth.
Pouring out the oil of love as my worship to You.
In surrender I must give my every part;
Lord, receive the sacrifice of a broken heart.


Chorus:
Jesus, what can I give, what I can bring
To so faithful a Friend, to so loving a King?
Savior, what can be said, what can be sung?
As a praise of Your name for the things You have done.
Oh my words couldn't tell, not even in part
of the debt of love that is owned by this thankful heart."



My heart is broken, but I forgot to be thankful. I had forgotten how the Lord sustained me for 27 years without pain and discomfort. I had forgotten to thank Him, that this ASD of mine can be left undetected. I failed to understand His perfect timing, that we found out about this now that I am in working in Singapore, and not much of a burden to my family. I failed to be grateful, that I was diagnosed in a time when the catheter procedure is available and still doable while I'm young and healthy.

What did I give and bring to our faithful and loving King? Ungratefulness! Oh, shame upon me! Now that we are studying Deuteronomy, I realized that I am no different from the Jews, who grumbled at the Lord. I forgot to trust and obey Him.....May the Lord forgives this ungrateful heart.

After all these reflections, I've finally stopped worrying. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I try to look through God's lenses why all these are happening in my life. And to be always grateful, because everything works with His purpose, and for His glory.Now I know what it means when the radiologist said there is a solution. Yes there is... and I believe God has it.

A Reminder to Self

On nights that you break down, cry yourself to sleep, wanting and thinking of things not at hand, ponder and reflect on this:

It is harder for us to be grateful for things that we do have. And easier for us to be despondent for things we don't have. Whatever life may (or may not) bring, remember that you are so much blessed (soooo much than you think).

Graciously and wonderfully blessed that you have...

- a perfectly abled body (10 fingers, 10 toes, everything is where and doing what it is supposed to be..this one pa lang winner ka na!)

- a loving family and adorable friends waiting at home

- food to eat, roof for shelter, clothes to wear

- work to keep you busy

- money to spend and share in your pocket

- a boyfriend (di ba? you thought you'll be an old hag)

- ARPC and encouraging pastors and fellowships

- passion and joy for cooking and baking

- work (again?) in Singapore (who would have thought, di ba?)

.....[the list is endless]

And this one, alway keep in mind. Even though one or all of the enumerations above may have gone, most importantly, God had and has you...graciously chosen, mercifully saved and eternally loved.

What more could you ask for? :)

A Bit of Tentmaker's Tale

I have been in Singapore for more than two years, and it is always a big treat every time I go back to my earthly home - Manila. :D

Whenever I am back, a plethora of emotions consumes my heart. In this post, please let the OFW within me (though I cannot still believe I am one :-) ) share a bit of emo every time I come home:

1. Happy. Seeing familiar faces and letting my palate delight on home-cooked Filipino meals, who would not be? :-)

2. Grief/Dismay. Also seeing the 'familiars' and noticing how much deteriorated they have become is such a heart breaker. Urban decay is everywhere. Everything seems not maintained. Even the traffic and pedestrian signal lights do not work. I find myself comparing and wondering why can't the place I love be a lovable place like Singapore.

3. Envy. Every time I meet with friends, I cannot help but feel a tinge of it. Just a call away and they are on the comforts of each other or their families. Likewise, even though they work here in Manila, it seems that they could still afford the things they fancy (like an overseas trip!)

4. Sense of Urgency. Since I always stay here only for a week, I need to be productive every single day. There are doctors to be consulted, friends to be met (hairstylist included), goods to be bought, things and catching-up to be discussed and most importantly, gospel to be shared to my unbelieving friends and family.

=================================================================

Sometimes, I do wonder...why do I still have to leave? Everything that I desire is here (uhhmm, traffic and flood are exceptions).

But I believe it is not His. God has provided so many avenues in Singapore for me (and Dan) to grow spiritually - our membership in ARPC is one. Also in my heart, I believe there are soooo much to learn first before I settle back here. I still do not know what exactly they are and what are the things I have to go through to learn them, but certainly I need to be prepared and equipped before I come back here for good.

And with regards to my worries here, (well, mostly concerning my family), may God help me lift everything unto Him. He holds everything in His hands. He is in control. Definitely.

Lesson from the Fig Tree

In our DG session tonight, we discussed about Jesus cursing the fig tree. At first glance, it seems really ridiculous - why curse a fig tree that was doing nothing?! And in the first place, figs were not yet in season. So why expect a fruit hanging on the tree's branches?

As we go through the discussion, we learned the deeper understanding behind these passages. First, we understood the botanical nature of a fig tree. During Jesus' times, buds were expected to develop around March. Leaves grew from April to May, and fruits were anticipated around June.

Mark 11:13 says that the fig tree Jesus found was 'in leaf' but found nothing on it. This suggests that the tree was barren - no buds, thus no fruits. In appearance, it seemed fruitful, but in reality it was not.

This struck me the most. Do I, a recently baptized and self-professed Christian, bear fruit as I was expected (and called) to? Yes, I attend the worship services, go to DG sessions (not just 1 but 2 groups), and serve in the Rhoda fellowship. But are these just for a show? Just like the leaves on the barren tree, are these activities meant to deceit people that I am godly and fruitful but deep inside, I am hollowed?

Right now, I am just throwing those questions at myself, seeking wisdom from God to help me find the answers. And I pray with a contrite heart, for God to forgive me if I've been like that fig tree.

Baptismal Testimony

<< Though I was ever-so excited to see the day when I will be water-baptized, I also dreaded that day, when I have to write my baptismal testimony. You see, I have always thought of myself as a poor writer. And to write one of the most important compositions of my life haunted me. But by God's grace, I have done it! To God be the glory! >>

I was born and raised to a Catholic family. Back then, I thought I was doing pretty well in life - I didn't hurt anybody, I read the Bible once in a while, went to mass every Sunday and prayed the rosary. I even went to a Catholic school.

I was oblivious to how grave my situation is until my then-officemate shared the gospel and invited me to attend a worship service of a Filipino-Chinese Church near our place. At first, I was irritated and made every excuses not to go. To stop him, I finally accepted the invite. "It's just one Sunday, and the church is nearby anyway", I thought.

At first, I was impressed by the grandeur of the church. The place was very well-kept. There were sermon handouts. The pastor had a good message prepared, and the people were very nice and welcome-y. These things made me come back week after week, supplying me with more knowledge about God and the Bible. But my heart was still hardened. I still didn't accepted Him as Lord and Ruler of my life.

Things had changed when I joined another church's youth camp. During my one-on-one session with our group counselor, she invited me to pray the sinner's prayer, but I declined. I was scared of the huge and life-long commitment (you know, you're dealing with God!). But she explained that even faith comes from God. After that session, in my room, I prayed to God, submitted all my fears to Him, asked for His forgiveness, and let Him take charge of my life.

Since then, my perspective in life had changed. I'm not anymore the person who lives to get what I want and strives hard to be what I wish to become. Living a single day with Him as the focus : to fear and love the God Who laid down Himself so that a worthless sinner like me can live, keeps me now going.

I am still a work-in-progress, I still have my fears while being inflicted by my brokenness. But I believed that God promised that "neither death, nor life...nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us [me] from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord".

I am, and will never be fulfilled as each day I walk closer with Him. All thanks and praises to God!

Getting It Right

It is been a while since I write...

Life has been pretty fast lately. The sad thing is I don't know if I am becoming a better person or not.

Work has been pretty challenging and time-consuming for a while now. And with the remaining time I have, I spend either being in front of my laptop or with Dan, who I love so much, I just want to be with him every time. I am also struggling physically - age is catching up on me and I feel uglier and fatter.

Spiritually, I am so distant from God. I read the Bible less. I do miss my QT often. I do things that I am not supposed to do, even though I know it's written in the Bible. I am so so ashamed of myself. So ashamed that I hide myself from Him.

It's ironic that I am saying (...or writing) all these 2 weeks before my Baptismal ceremony. And i want to quit...not the baptism, but all these slacking and being distracted with earthly things.

I want and I need to be right with God, again. Not just in time for the ceremony, but for the rest of my life.

Honestly, I do miss Him. Let David's prayer be my prayer for tonight...

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
- Psalm 51:10-14

Broken

Today, I gave myself a rest. Rest from work, rest from any relationships, rest from all the hurlyburlies of the world. I just want to stay, lock myself up in my room and in solitude, rethink, what's going on.

Life had been very fast since a year ago. And I was just amazed how things can be totally changed in just a year - the environment, relationships, perspectives, goals, and faith that I believe in and hold on to. A year back, the way things are now were really unimaginable, very far-fetched.

At first, changes are really overwhelming. It gives the adrenaline rush of going through the unknown and the euphoria of exploring and experiencing new things. But when all the dust settled and everything go through as mere routines, the wonders and excitement fade. Everything, from being bright once turns dull and gray. Days go on, and I find myself barely trying to make it through each day. Now, I am weary - physically burned out, mentally exhausted, emotionally drained and spiritually dried up.

At first, I was trying to delude myself. I said I am happy - I am here with Dan in SG and I am consistent with reading the Bible, praying and attending Sunday worship and fellowships. I am strong - I know that although work is mentally exhausting (not to mention, not so financially rewarding) but at least, I get to enjoy learning more techie stuffs. I know I can get through it until my contract expires.

But just as the sun cannot be forever concealed under the dark clouds, so is the wearing sadness within. Now, I am just tired, plain tired of deceiving myself that everything is okay, but it is not.

All these days, I have been relying on my strength, guiding myself with my own wisdom. I have been so dependent on Dan for emotional support and comfort. Yet, I feel so lost and miserable.

Then, last Sunday, I found myself pondering on a quote mentioned by Pastor Edmund Fong during 'Just For Newcomers' talk at ARPC.

"Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee." - Augustine

Yes, my heart is restless and troubled. And all along I have been turning to temporal happiness to soothe it, to divert my attention away. But these do not solve the problem, they just hide it. My heart is still governed by all its anxieties.

Albeit the Spirit whispers to turn myself to our Father, He Who gives rest to those who are tired and weary (Matthew 11:28), I just cannot. I feel so undeserving, so ashamed by my brokenness. Right now, I am still groping, trying to pick myself up. But now I know Whose hands I need to reach to, to Whom I need to put my trust and confidence to. I believe, He will not forsake me.

And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
- Isaiah 58:11

Waiting for His Coming

Three more days and I can't hardly wait. It's been weeks, months since I've anticipated, patiently waited for this. Because finally, this Thursday, I'll be able to see Dan's face once again. And not just for a few days, but for many days to come.Ü

By God's grace, he was able to get a job here in Singapore. I was really happy the moment I knew about it. The idea of us exploring every corner of Singapore, sharing meals, and doing things together delighted my mind and excited my heart. I was busy preparing since then (we've only got 2 weeks!) - looking for his room, thinking of things he needed to buy there, and I here, etc.

And now three more days on my countdown - preparations have been done, a room has been found, plans have been sorted out. Everything seems set and ready.

But now, as I reflect on all the things I've done for Dan these past few days, there's one thing that the Holy Spirit asked and whispered to me - "What are you doing for your Savior's coming?" "Are you prepared?"

I was really struck by the realization of this. And I was reminded, that my whole life is a story of waiting, anticipating and preparing for His coming.

Jesus told us in Mark 13:33 to be alert and be ready for we don't know when the time will come. If that time is now and If I see Christ's face today, I couldn't look at His countenance. If He ask what I've done for Him, I do not know what I'll say.

I'm deeply ashamed right now. My soul grieves with this realization. I humbly ask for forgiveness for my attitude and for not being a true servant.

Yet my whole being is thankful to the Holy Spirit for always..always reminding me that I should lead my life in full anticipation and expectation of Jesus Christ's coming. I really don't know exactly how right now. And I pray, that may the Holy Spirit will lead me, guide me, show me how. Amen.