Lesson from the Fig Tree

In our DG session tonight, we discussed about Jesus cursing the fig tree. At first glance, it seems really ridiculous - why curse a fig tree that was doing nothing?! And in the first place, figs were not yet in season. So why expect a fruit hanging on the tree's branches?

As we go through the discussion, we learned the deeper understanding behind these passages. First, we understood the botanical nature of a fig tree. During Jesus' times, buds were expected to develop around March. Leaves grew from April to May, and fruits were anticipated around June.

Mark 11:13 says that the fig tree Jesus found was 'in leaf' but found nothing on it. This suggests that the tree was barren - no buds, thus no fruits. In appearance, it seemed fruitful, but in reality it was not.

This struck me the most. Do I, a recently baptized and self-professed Christian, bear fruit as I was expected (and called) to? Yes, I attend the worship services, go to DG sessions (not just 1 but 2 groups), and serve in the Rhoda fellowship. But are these just for a show? Just like the leaves on the barren tree, are these activities meant to deceit people that I am godly and fruitful but deep inside, I am hollowed?

Right now, I am just throwing those questions at myself, seeking wisdom from God to help me find the answers. And I pray with a contrite heart, for God to forgive me if I've been like that fig tree.

Baptismal Testimony

<< Though I was ever-so excited to see the day when I will be water-baptized, I also dreaded that day, when I have to write my baptismal testimony. You see, I have always thought of myself as a poor writer. And to write one of the most important compositions of my life haunted me. But by God's grace, I have done it! To God be the glory! >>

I was born and raised to a Catholic family. Back then, I thought I was doing pretty well in life - I didn't hurt anybody, I read the Bible once in a while, went to mass every Sunday and prayed the rosary. I even went to a Catholic school.

I was oblivious to how grave my situation is until my then-officemate shared the gospel and invited me to attend a worship service of a Filipino-Chinese Church near our place. At first, I was irritated and made every excuses not to go. To stop him, I finally accepted the invite. "It's just one Sunday, and the church is nearby anyway", I thought.

At first, I was impressed by the grandeur of the church. The place was very well-kept. There were sermon handouts. The pastor had a good message prepared, and the people were very nice and welcome-y. These things made me come back week after week, supplying me with more knowledge about God and the Bible. But my heart was still hardened. I still didn't accepted Him as Lord and Ruler of my life.

Things had changed when I joined another church's youth camp. During my one-on-one session with our group counselor, she invited me to pray the sinner's prayer, but I declined. I was scared of the huge and life-long commitment (you know, you're dealing with God!). But she explained that even faith comes from God. After that session, in my room, I prayed to God, submitted all my fears to Him, asked for His forgiveness, and let Him take charge of my life.

Since then, my perspective in life had changed. I'm not anymore the person who lives to get what I want and strives hard to be what I wish to become. Living a single day with Him as the focus : to fear and love the God Who laid down Himself so that a worthless sinner like me can live, keeps me now going.

I am still a work-in-progress, I still have my fears while being inflicted by my brokenness. But I believed that God promised that "neither death, nor life...nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us [me] from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord".

I am, and will never be fulfilled as each day I walk closer with Him. All thanks and praises to God!

Getting It Right

It is been a while since I write...

Life has been pretty fast lately. The sad thing is I don't know if I am becoming a better person or not.

Work has been pretty challenging and time-consuming for a while now. And with the remaining time I have, I spend either being in front of my laptop or with Dan, who I love so much, I just want to be with him every time. I am also struggling physically - age is catching up on me and I feel uglier and fatter.

Spiritually, I am so distant from God. I read the Bible less. I do miss my QT often. I do things that I am not supposed to do, even though I know it's written in the Bible. I am so so ashamed of myself. So ashamed that I hide myself from Him.

It's ironic that I am saying (...or writing) all these 2 weeks before my Baptismal ceremony. And i want to quit...not the baptism, but all these slacking and being distracted with earthly things.

I want and I need to be right with God, again. Not just in time for the ceremony, but for the rest of my life.

Honestly, I do miss Him. Let David's prayer be my prayer for tonight...

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
- Psalm 51:10-14

Broken

Today, I gave myself a rest. Rest from work, rest from any relationships, rest from all the hurlyburlies of the world. I just want to stay, lock myself up in my room and in solitude, rethink, what's going on.

Life had been very fast since a year ago. And I was just amazed how things can be totally changed in just a year - the environment, relationships, perspectives, goals, and faith that I believe in and hold on to. A year back, the way things are now were really unimaginable, very far-fetched.

At first, changes are really overwhelming. It gives the adrenaline rush of going through the unknown and the euphoria of exploring and experiencing new things. But when all the dust settled and everything go through as mere routines, the wonders and excitement fade. Everything, from being bright once turns dull and gray. Days go on, and I find myself barely trying to make it through each day. Now, I am weary - physically burned out, mentally exhausted, emotionally drained and spiritually dried up.

At first, I was trying to delude myself. I said I am happy - I am here with Dan in SG and I am consistent with reading the Bible, praying and attending Sunday worship and fellowships. I am strong - I know that although work is mentally exhausting (not to mention, not so financially rewarding) but at least, I get to enjoy learning more techie stuffs. I know I can get through it until my contract expires.

But just as the sun cannot be forever concealed under the dark clouds, so is the wearing sadness within. Now, I am just tired, plain tired of deceiving myself that everything is okay, but it is not.

All these days, I have been relying on my strength, guiding myself with my own wisdom. I have been so dependent on Dan for emotional support and comfort. Yet, I feel so lost and miserable.

Then, last Sunday, I found myself pondering on a quote mentioned by Pastor Edmund Fong during 'Just For Newcomers' talk at ARPC.

"Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee." - Augustine

Yes, my heart is restless and troubled. And all along I have been turning to temporal happiness to soothe it, to divert my attention away. But these do not solve the problem, they just hide it. My heart is still governed by all its anxieties.

Albeit the Spirit whispers to turn myself to our Father, He Who gives rest to those who are tired and weary (Matthew 11:28), I just cannot. I feel so undeserving, so ashamed by my brokenness. Right now, I am still groping, trying to pick myself up. But now I know Whose hands I need to reach to, to Whom I need to put my trust and confidence to. I believe, He will not forsake me.

And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
- Isaiah 58:11

Waiting for His Coming

Three more days and I can't hardly wait. It's been weeks, months since I've anticipated, patiently waited for this. Because finally, this Thursday, I'll be able to see Dan's face once again. And not just for a few days, but for many days to come.Ü

By God's grace, he was able to get a job here in Singapore. I was really happy the moment I knew about it. The idea of us exploring every corner of Singapore, sharing meals, and doing things together delighted my mind and excited my heart. I was busy preparing since then (we've only got 2 weeks!) - looking for his room, thinking of things he needed to buy there, and I here, etc.

And now three more days on my countdown - preparations have been done, a room has been found, plans have been sorted out. Everything seems set and ready.

But now, as I reflect on all the things I've done for Dan these past few days, there's one thing that the Holy Spirit asked and whispered to me - "What are you doing for your Savior's coming?" "Are you prepared?"

I was really struck by the realization of this. And I was reminded, that my whole life is a story of waiting, anticipating and preparing for His coming.

Jesus told us in Mark 13:33 to be alert and be ready for we don't know when the time will come. If that time is now and If I see Christ's face today, I couldn't look at His countenance. If He ask what I've done for Him, I do not know what I'll say.

I'm deeply ashamed right now. My soul grieves with this realization. I humbly ask for forgiveness for my attitude and for not being a true servant.

Yet my whole being is thankful to the Holy Spirit for always..always reminding me that I should lead my life in full anticipation and expectation of Jesus Christ's coming. I really don't know exactly how right now. And I pray, that may the Holy Spirit will lead me, guide me, show me how. Amen.

All Things New

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 Corinthians 5:17

How wonderful and sweet it is to have a new breath of life.....A new beginning! A fresh start!

......and a new blog for me.Ü

Yay! It's sooo good to start blogging again. It's been four months...four months since I trod on a new journey, a new 'trip' embarked with new experiences, new relationships, new environment, new joys and challenges.Ü

I remember how this journey began - from the first time I got a phone call until the time I packed my belongings, bid my farewells, and flew here in Singapore. It was my first time to be alone. And I was not sure if I was fully equipped against the new challenges of being far away from home, miles away from my beloved family and friends.

But I was wrong. A few months ago, I met a very special Person.....and He's all that I need.

It's a funny thing because before I met Him, He's already been doing His works on me. Even before all these began, I did not know He's already preparing me for this journey. And before I knew it, I was a different person.

I won't say that life is easy now, that the journey is smooth-sailing. I still get lost (figuratively and literally out of streets in Singapore.Ü). I still fear and feel sad when I think I am alone. I still fall and stumble.

But I know I will never be alone in this walk. Lord, let me walk closer with You.